A Dominants view
New Post 1/29/2015
Through speaking to a number of submissives it has become apparent that they are being contacted more and more by Dominants who claim to be experienced and know just what the sub wants. In fact judging by some of the mail and messages these subs have received nothing could be further from the truth.
This is just my opinion but I know that many of these Doms visit this site "to see what the sluts are talking about". I would like to give my overview of what I see as the fundamentals of D/s. I hope the genuinely experienced even though they may disagree will accept my point. Only the wannabe`s will take umbrage and it is those "people" that I aim this at.
Learn the basics and you may find the rest is much easier. I hope the new subs among you will read this, as it is what YOU should expect, nothing less. If you choose to not head the warnings and walk blindly in then you may get hurt.
There are many resources available to give you the help and information you need to keep yourself safe and I hope find a good and fulfilling relationship. Understanding the fundamentals of the lifestyle is crucial to your growth, no matter how you choose to implement them.
First is public protocol
You as a Dom are responsible to your community, your friends and your family. Drawing unwanted attention to our lifestyle is an insult to all who try so hard to just get along with their PTA and vanilla jobs and friends. Please use Common Sense and dress and act in an acceptable manner and require of yours to do so.
Private protocol is up to you.
Everything you say and do is a reflection on you and yours.
From time to time you will run into a DOM that you may not agree with or you find fault with the way they are doing things. LET IT GO. How someone else lives the lifestyle, or does their training, or the way they treat others is generally a mind your own business situation. (Exception is always if the other DOM is doing something that is hurting someone or others.) Becoming angry fighting and or adding fuel to an argument is usually seen by others as just two losers going at it.
Subs seeking to belong to someone seldom are attracted to jerks and crude people, and subs belonging to jerks and crude people seldom stay.
It is common courtesy to greet all unknowns or newbies with respect.
Sir or Ma'am is considered a proper greeting. If for some reason you are unsure of proper addressing it is polite to ask ?how do you wish to be addressed?.
Using Mr. or Ms. in front of a name is ALWAYS polite and respectful.
To fail to show courtesy for others is to show YOU do not have proper manners. Courtesy is always a form of respect.
Only after they PROVE they do not deserve your respect can you withhold it but make VERY sure they deserve it.
If you start disrespecting those around you for the slightest ?faux pas'' those around you will start giving you a lot of distance and that could get very lonely.
As a Dom it is your responsibility to lead by the example of being polite in all situations.
(save the rude crude stuff for the sub that needs and/or asks for it)
When addressing subs in conversation there are different scenarios, some of which are indicated here:
One. The sub is on a leash or standing behind their Dom
In this case it is rude to even acknowledge the presence of the sub and is up to their Dom to initiate any conversation with the sub, or not as the Dom pleases.
Two. The sub is beside or slightly between you and the Dom
If necessary walk, as if the sub was just a chair, around the sub.
Always address the Dom first and allow the Dom to introduce you to the sub, or not as the Dom pleases.
Three. The sub (with the Dom) is known to you and you have had several previous conversations with this sub before.
Even then it is rude to talk to the sub before proper greetings are given to the Dom. Then it is always best to ask of the Dom how is your sub 'sub name' doing? (this protocol may vary depending on level of protocol and various groups.)
Four. The sub is alone and appearing not to be with someone.
Hello are you free to talk to Me? is acceptable.
DO NOT be offended if the sub indicates or says no. Many subs are owned and may be under orders not to talk to strangers.
Five. If for any reason you are unsure of the type of person you are talking to.
It is considered polite to ask ?I am Dom, are you Dom or sub??. Often the person will release the information with a smile, if you give yours first.
Six. As a Dom unsure of the type of person asking you this question the polite answer is
I am Dom, and you are??
[The big mistake is to say call me MASTER/MISTRESS _______? The person actually only hears you can call me master of being a fake dom? Any that have Master or Mistress in your name sorry but that is the way it really is. Many do not know you from Adam or Eve and they do not call anyone Master /Mistress until they know them very well and respect them as such and is an HONORIFIC not a given. (In some places this may vary as well. Get to know your local group and their protocols so you will feel comfortable interacting within the group?s dynamics).
Talking to anyone and demanding to be immediately called Master puts you on the same level as a child in the super market screaming ?I want I want I want ...? As a Master or Mistress you are only that to those that belong to you and have given that honorific to you. To demand that of anyone before you have earned it is to dishonor all around; and some actually may have proven they deserve a higher status then you, which would make you appear rather silly]
In general conversation a sub, from time to time, may forget to use the honorific Sir / Ma'am or Mr. / Ms. and may even make another minor mistake.
If the sub is not yours you are permitted at worst to frown to indicate you?re a strict Dom.
You are NOT permitted to chide or otherwise take to task a sub for the omission.
Exception is you have permission of the subs owner.
If the sub someday becomes yours you can always ?You remember that time that you rudely....??
If the sub is yours deal with it as you feel it should be dealt with.
Quite often a Dom will require of their sub certain protocols in speaking to another Dom or sub:
The scenarios in this can be very complicated, so I would suggest that you as a Dom keep it open honest and simple.
Initiating sub to sub conversation
I have general suggestions for you as a Dom to consider with your sub if approached by another sub, how you have your sub approach or allow your sub to approach another is actually up to you.
One. Freely sub to sub.
I am allowed to speak freely, are you?? If asked this of your sub and your sub is free to speak polite answer would be ?Yes I am?
Two. Structured as your sub is a Dom to another sub
I am allowed to speak freely, are you?? If asked this, the polite answer would be ?My Dom requires I speak to you as a Dom and to be Dom to other subs.?
Three. Structured as your sub is sub to other subs. (this could really get out of hand if the other sub is required by their Dom to be sub to the other sub and they could get into trying to out sub the other).
I am allowed to speak freely, are you?? If asked this, the polite answer would be ?My Dom requires I speak to you as a sub and to be sub to other subs.?
Requiring service of a sub is a big thing for Dom's but there are sharp and very firm rules governing this.
Number one rule and it is a big ONE.
To demand service of one that has not offered it, is ABUSIVE of the person you are trying to order and of your status. You will lose status to all that know you actually had the unmitigated gall to try and order someone that is not of your service to serve you.
The polite way is to request service IE:
Would you do me the honor of...??
May I request that you...??
Many subs are eager to service and approached in this manner will happily comply. But this does not mean the sub is in service to you, and now belongs to you.
The Dom MUST remember that if a sub is not in your service, they have the right to refuse POLITELY.
The Dom MUST remember that subs quite often belong to someone and to try to use someone's sub with out permission may to the other Dom be the equivalent of using their tooth brush.
Safe Words are something that every DOM that hears it must OBEY
Upon hearing the words ?RED LIGHT or just RED? the Dom's around must immediately ask the sub the reason for saying the safe words. Then they must ask of the Dom that caused the sub to say the safe words ?why??
(Party or Organization safe words must receive the same response)
Remember that if this happens during a scene quite often a sub may be in no condition to actually explain why the safe words were issued. But all play must STOP until fully resolved. There is no exception.
Guidance and or Protection of a sub
Looking out for a frightened or an unsure sub is a responsibility but it can also be a 'sticky wicket ' as the British like to say.
If a sub known to you approaches you and asks, ?With respect Sir or Ma'am may I ask for your 'Guidance or Protection'??
If you can, say ?Granted? (or something along those lines).
There are some subs, that you may know, that should not be 'granted protection'. it is required of you to state simply ?I am sorry but at this time I am no able to do so?
If you know you can not for some reason grant this protection you have to leave etc. you should then go to a fellow Dom and ask this Dom to watch over the sub or send the sub looking for the Dom you trust.
Understand sometimes subs just need someone to be watching them and need the feeling of being watched or protected in an environment that for some reason has become hostile and threatening to the sub. (This does not mean the sub is in service to you and you must remember protection is a transitory and is not a long term obligation)
If the sub is not known to you. You may state ?If you stay near I will watch out for you?
It is recommended for your own safety to quickly find a friend to help ?watch or protect? the sub and a party host or DM is a good choice for help, at a private party notify the host.
Remember not every one is who or what they say they are and there are those that like to cause trouble, so just protect yourself if you do not know of or know the sub.
Misuse of a sub trusting you is a major SIN in our world. If you are guiding or watching out for a sub you are temporarily the sub's DM, not a play partner and it would be a violation of the trust to attempt to take advantage of the trust.
It is wise for Dom's to remember that service by a sub is given to you and ceases to be a gift if taken or demanded.
Therefore when seeking to have a sub give of themselves to you it quickly becomes a compatibility issue. If you have noticed that couples filled with love for each other always show respect for each other in the ways the other appreciates. Quite often these ways are formal to semi formal in politeness.
Developing this relationship is a continuous and on going negotiation.
It is proper protocol for a DOM to ask how why when where and what.
If you find out the correct directions you can do it right correctly over and over.
If you do not ask for directions you will end up doing it over and over wrong and everyone including your own submissives will consider you a dim dom.