The Lores Okiya and Hanayagi Gakko

Serving with grace and elegance!

 

 


  NEW 01/30/2015

Long Distance D/s Relationships
Why They Fail, What You Can Accomplish
And How to Survive the Distance

by
jade


An Overview of LDRs

This generation has spawned a new problem in relationships thanks to the widespread use of computers.  Not since the "mail order brides" of the last century have there been so many people who have fallen in love from a distance, some without ever meeting.  On any of the well-known IRC networks and other chat clients, such as AOL and Prodigy, you can find literally thousands of couples who have online relationships and are seriously considering moving them off-line to real time.   Love is not always conscious of geography so these couples often have to try to maintain their relationships while being hundreds or thousands of miles apart. For most, many long months pass between visits so they are faced with trying to keep the relationship alive while waiting for the time when they can actually be together again.

We've seen a huge number of these "cyber" relationships in the D/s community online and know first-hand that keeping one from vaporizing into digital dust once you've met is no easy matter. The lifespan of most long-distance romances is very short, for many reasons. They seem to sprout, bloom and die much faster than their real life counterparts and are prone to all the same failures as conventional ones, plus a few more that really complicate matters.

Two Main Types of LDRs

There are two kinds of long distance relationships.  One is the couple who have met (or will in the future), are seriously planning a future together at some point, but due to geography, current obligations or complications cannot relocate be together immediately. The other is one where the couple may or may not have met and most likely will never be able to be together permanently due to their own personal situations or reasons. Both have their own sets of problems unique to their circumstances but both share many of the same reasons for failure or success.

Please keep in mind we're not talking about "cyber only" relationships in this article.  Although a virtual relationship can benefit from these suggestions, there are issues that they do not have to deal with and have special problems of their own. We don't deny the validity of the V/T relationship. Love is love, and there are many online romances that have flourished without having any goals of going to R/T, but that's a subject for another day and page. (You might want to read a warning about some of the risks and players involved in the virtual world of D/s on this page.)

The Temporary LDR: You met online, fell madly in love, met face to face and now are waiting out the time for one of you to make the big move to overcome the geography that separates you. The time can seem to drag and those miles can feel more like light-years at times. Waiting out those months can be a real test of endurance and many fail to carry it off successfully. There are things that can help make or break the bonds that brought you together in the first place. It's up to you and trying a few of these tips might help strengthen your commitment.

The Long-Haul LDR: This can be a real tough one. Most likely the couple involved in this type of LRD will never be able to spend a lifetime together. The most common reasons for this: 1) One or both of them is married to someone else, 2) Minor children are involved, 3) Family obligations and 4) Careers that are not conducive to relocation. Just as love has no respect for distance, it sometimes turns its head to previous commitments. We all need to reserve our judgments on these types of relationships. Only the people involved will have to answer for the problems they create or pay the emotional debt that results, if there are any to be paid. For whatever the reasons, there are going to be few visits with long periods of time between them, so some real creativity will be needed to fill the void.

Where Do We Start?

You have to start right in the beginning. You're going to be spending a lot of time online to bridge the distance so use this time to learn about each other. To do this, you have to overcome some real temptations to "alter" reality. Most of the time people don't lie. They just avoid the truth. Seems like a conflict in terms? Not when you consider how easy it is to smooth over a few bumps here and there. Your Master expects you to keep your home in order. You were busy and didn't have time. When he asks if you've accomplished your goals for the day that temptation is there to say, "Oh yes, Master. I've done EVERYTHING you said," after all, he can't see that the house looks like hurricane Zelda just blew through your living room. The same urge is there when your submissive asks, "Sir, is there anything that I do that annoys you?" You don't want to waste a lovely evening of chatting so the temptation pops up to say, "No, pet. There's nothing about you that I don't love" as you grit your teeth thinking about her irritating way of letting you sit and wait while she chats with her girlfriend on the phone for an hour at a time. When you are no longer sitting in front of a monitor or have your ear pressed to the phone, these things are going to be BIG issues. Start of right. Don't let it get started. Here are a few ways to do it.

  • Keep it realistic: Fantasies can be wonderful things until you try to live one. It's very easy to slip into the trap of living a "perfect" life online where you never have to deal with real issues. SuperDom knows every trick in the D/s Manual. He can do Japanese rope bondage that would win a prize, his flogger never misses its mark and he's always ready to "rise" to the occasion, no matter how many occasions there have been in a session. wondersub{SD} never has bad hair days, PMS or a yeast infection and just loves to wear nipple clamps for 4 hours. Neither of them ever have money problems, family members who drive them nuts or skeletons in their closets. Once the Camelot of their online life is gone and they're faced with living in the real world, they find they hardly knew each other as real people. Keep your online life as real as possible. Deal with the issues you both face everyday in your ordinary lives. Be honest about any lack of skills and seek to improve on the ones you have. Spend a portion of your time online as Bob and Betty and let SuperDom and wondersub{SD} take a back seat to reality for awhile.

  • Be yourself: Far too many people are not honest with their online love interest or themselves. You have to be who you are, really. Sooner or later, the frustration of trying to be someone or something you're not is going to end up making you miserable and destroying the chances of any kind of realistic relationship. Being who you are is what attracted the other person to you in the first place. While having things in common is nice, having differences is exciting. Don't be too eager to become a "clone" of your lover. Being you is what you do the best so rejoice in it. If you're the studious, serious type he shouldn't be expecting to live with Whoopie Goldberg when you step off the plane next month and if you're the witty, playful kind she shouldn't be waiting for Dr. Kevorkian to pull into her driveway. When you're no longer viewing each other at a distance, you're going to have to be who you are ALL the time so you better practice now.

  • Be honest: It seems to be a reoccurring pattern for submissives to try to be the "perfect" sub by always being agreeable to anything that's said or done. This might work for a short time, but it's never going to make it in the long haul. If you do not like spinach, say so. Don't pretend to love the stuff and then get indignant in a restaurant when your Master orders it for you the first time you go out to dinner once you move in together. Remember, you were the one who said you loved it when he told you he'd always dreamed of a sub who shared his passion for spinach. Dominants fall into this trap too by pretending to desire the same things their submissive seems to want. If you aren't into certain activities, then you better state it clearly before she hands you the branding iron and expects you to do something you don't have the stomach for. Fainting will not get you out of this mess.

  • Expect Some Rough Spots: NO ONE has a perfect relationship. There are ups and downs in all of them and in our daily lives. The things that happen to us at work or when dealing with a difficult family member affect how we react to things within the relationship. There are days when you just don't feel "domly" and need to barricade yourself in your cave away from the responsibility of dealing with the dynamics of a D/s relationship. There are times when the hormonal scale has been tipped to one side and you do not feel very submissive or very human for that matter. Give each other some grace and a lot of space when difficult times arise. Most of the time it's not how high you fly on good days that determines the success of the fight. It's the times when you hit the bumps that will decide if you crash or level off later.Be prepared to be "real" people who sometimes make mistakes or have bad days.

How can we make it work?

Surviving any long distance relationship takes work and a D/s LDR adds its own unique twists. Not only do you want the relationship to last, you want it to grow and deepen the bond between you. You also want to build your skills as dominant and submissive. There are some basic tools that can keep your relationship from stagnating and can actually enhance it while waiting for that big day when you reach out and touch each other, without a phone!

  • Share Things: Just because you are not physically in the same place doesn't mean you can't share things. Here are a few things you can try. Rent the same movie and watch it at the same time while you're chatting on IRC. Laugh together, share the parts that touched you. Give your comments about what you've seen or felt. You can do this with books or magazine articles also. Read and share what you got from them. Discuss the author, story line, short-comings or things that might be able to benefit you. Listening to the same music while you're spending time online is another wonderful way to close that distance. We own many of the same CDs and very often play them at the same time so we can share the mood they create for us. Share your meals together while online. A loving comment or even a Mmmmm.. while you're eating makes you feel less alone and a whole lot more intimate. There's no limit to the things that you can share while apart if you only make an effort.

  • Develop Your Own Rituals: Many of the things that we enjoy together are ritualistic in nature and there are ways to recreate them online. Go through a specific routine when preparing to go to bed or when greeting each other for the first time each day. If you're going to do this right, don't use popups, macros or copy/paste methods either. It might take a little longer to type it out each time but at least it's genuine. In R/L you're not going to hold up a sign that says "Kneeling...Greeting my Master" when he walks in the door. Show a little devotion and do it from your heart. Nothing is stopping you from doing, at least part of it, in real life either. I actually kneel when greeting my Master for the first time I see Him each day online or when I first come home from work. There are many things you can do to adapt your own rituals to long distance if you're only a little creative.

  • Work on Your Skills: The time you spend waiting can be very productive time if you allow it to be. A dominant might give his/her submissive some basic things to practice in their absence. Rehearsing the positions the dominant prefers, learning to move gracefully, developing a serving technique or studying dance or language lessons might be some useful choices. All of these things will enhance the quality of your life together once the move has been accomplished or you're able to spend time together. A dominant might want to practice his/her skills with some of the tools of the trade, such as flogging techniques or bondage methods and styles. Having your submissive keep an email journal is a good way to build her/his communication skills as well as your listening skills. Read it! Tell them the things that touched you or that you were concerned about. It opens doors to growth and strengthens bonds.

  • Learn Some New Tricks: The sky is the limit on this one. We can all improve our repertoire of useful skills. It can be anything from learning some gourmet cooking to building a website. As a point of reference, we built most of the Castle Realm while we were nearly 2000 miles apart and neither of us knew one thing about HTML or web graphics when we started. Our hope was to accomplish something good while we were not able to be together. (LOL...now you know why it got so large.) We've also learned a lot more about each other because we had to communicate and work together as a team. We've done other projects that produced similar results, such as learning about other cultures and sharing our past experiences to help expand the other's knowledge or skills.

  • Go on Internet Dates: There are some wonderful resources on the Internet and making a "date" out of visiting things can be a real breath of fresh air for a LDR. We've spent many long evenings shopping together at a wide variety of online catalog sites. We even decided on some furniture selections on one of these virtual shopping trips. One of the most memorable "dates" we had was going on a virtual tour of a castle that Master had actually visited while living in Germany. He'd provided links to different sites that pictured the castle and surrounding area. His descriptions of the sights, sounds and smells allowed me to experience what He had when He was there so when it was over I felt as though I'd really walked those same steps with Him. It was a wonderful evening of sharing and learning. The options are endless and only limited by your own mind.

  • Meet People and Interact: Being together online is great but spending all your time alone is not such a good idea. You both need to see how each other reacts with people and how you function as a couple in a group. Visiting BDSM or D/s channels can be a disappointment at times but there are some wonderful lifestylers out there if you take the time to find them. We've had some great discussions with other dedicated members of the D/s community and learned some new twists on old themes. There are channels devoted to almost any topic you'd ever care to discuss as well as some that are just plain fun. On the Internet you can find sites where you can play a variety of games with people from all over the world. We've spent numerous evenings playing Hearts with old friends and total strangers, not once failing to enjoy it.

  • Take Time to Show You Care: There's a million ways to say "I love you" or "I miss you and am thinking about you."  Online there are virtual greeting cards, flowers, candy, postcards and countless other little things that can express your feelings. Finding a special card on your lunch break and sending it off with a little note shows your mate that you have them on your mind even when you're not online together. Remembering those special days with a small token or letter says more than you think. A quick email message that reminds them of your devotion or a long letter that lets you vent some of those deep feelings of love touches hearts across the miles.

  • Make Each Event Count: Talking on the phone or online is an event and keeping it from becoming mundane is very important. Plopping down in your chair with your hair uncombed, dressed like a vagabond and waiting to be entertained is NOT the way to build on your relationship. Make an effort to prepare yourself to meet your loved one. Freshen up, put on a little cologne or perfume, fix your hair and make yourself look as attractive as possible. This not only shows your dominant/sub that they are special, it makes you feel good. When you're together face to face you'll want to look your best so why settle for less here? If nothing else, it's a good habit to get into for the future. Take a few minutes to plan something different once in awhile. Bring a topic you're interested in discussing or the URL of a site that you both might enjoy visiting. A relationship gives back what's put into it. You add nothing, you get nothing. Don't expect the other person to keep things fresh and exciting while you sit there waiting. How many days of "What do you want to do?" "I don't care. What do you want to do?" can you stand before you're bored out of your gourd and your LDR?

Summary

It all sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Don't kid yourself, it IS a lot of work to keep any relationship working well. Add to this problem the distance and the special considerations of a D/s relationship and you have a difficult job ahead of you. But don't give up. It can and does work for many people. The keys to remember are Reality, Honesty, Growth, Desire and Love. If you keep those things foremost in your relationship you'll have a good chance for success. Keep your online life as real as possible. Don't get caught up into a cyber fantasy that can never be lived in the real world. Be honest about yourself and your feelings. Doing less is cheating you and your chances for happiness. Make the time apart a time of growth. Without it, the relationship is doomed to a slow death from indifference. You have to want it to work and that desire will spur you into a more fulfilling and creative ways of thinking and doing things to adapt to the distance. Love isn't always easy, but it's the thing that will keep you going when the others seems to fail. The least you might end up with is a very large website.

Copyright© 1998 by jade
All rights are reserved by the author.








NEW 01/ 31/2015

On Patience:
Or, How Do I Get A Dom, Anyway?
by
Ms Margo


I am very often asked by novice submissives what they need to do to find a Dominant. My first response to them is always: Be Patient. You will find that in the scene the ratio of submissives to Dominants is greater than 3:1. But not all of those submissives are "good" submissives - ones that a Dominant would be interested in spending his or her time with. Your job is to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

This is the first point where patience comes into play. Although you certainly have to approve of your Dom, you need them to approve of you, and want to play with you. This won't happen if you pester the Dom, or make comments like, "I've been on the Net for a week! Come on!" A Dominant is a Dominant _person_ and you should treat them with respect and courtesy. Just because they are a Dominant, they are under no obligation to use their talents in the Dominant arts on you.

Some submissives look for years to find a Dominant with whom they can have satisfying play. It's much the same as trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but with the added criterion that the person must be scene-compatible with you as well. Take your time and be a little choosy. You will be much more likely to have good scenes with someone that you are truly compatible and feel comfortable with, then you would be with the first Dom to come along.

Impatient and pushy submissives don't get very far with Dominants. We may like brats, but we don't like jerks. If you push too hard we will simply step to the side and watch you fall on your face. The good Dominants also talk to each other. Word will get around if a submissive has a bad reputation; word will also get around if a submissive has a good reputation. Dominants will also occasionally ask each other for recommendations on a particular submissive. If you have been a jerk with one Dominant, it will make it harder for you to be accepted by other Dominants.

Being patient doesn't mean being a piece of furniture, though. If you have an interest in a Dominant, try to get to know them. If you see them in IRC, say hello to them and try to engage them in conversation. Don't just sit there saying nothing and waiting for them to talk to you, most likely they won't. Try to find out what title they prefer (Mistress, Lady, Master, Sir, etc.) and use it. Read their posts well and try to get a feel for the aspects of the scene that appeal to them. These are good things to try to engage them in conversation on. Don't immediately send them a chat/talk request. If after getting to know a Dominant, you would like to speak privately with them, a polite message of, "Would you like to chat privately?", is more likely to get you an acceptance. If they say "no", don't whine about it. We do not pay our access to the Net just to be available whenever someone wants to hot chat. Telling a Dominant how horny you are will usually only get you laughed at. On BBS's, if you see a Dominant that you are interested in log-on, you may page/message a polite hello, but don't keep paging them, especially if they are in e- mail. Finally, don't ask a Mistress what she is wearing. We are so sick of hearing it, that it has become a joke!

Often I am asked in IRC, via message, to accept someone I just met as my submissive. If that person has a true interest in being my submissive, then they can take the time to write me a request for submission. Some Dominants have a form or questionnaire that they give to potential submissives, but a sincere letter will usually suffice. It should describe your interests and desires in at least some detail ("I like submission" doesn't cut it), describe your experience in the scene, and tell why you are interested in the Dominant that you are writing to. Spelling and grammar do count. There are two common mistakes here. First, writing to a Dominant who is not interested in what you are. Check their posts if in doubt. Second, sending a request for submission to every Dominant in the Western world. As I said before, we talk to one another. Be patient and wait to find one Dominant whom you think would be a good play partner and then write them a sincere letter. Be patient on a response too. Some Dominants don't bother to answer unsolicited petitions, but even those that do get a lot of mail.

Don't become discouraged. While you are being patient waiting for the right Dominant to come along learn about the scene and socialize in it if possible. Read the newsgroups and FAQ's for information. If you have questions, post them. If nothing else, it will get you mail. Read scene related books and magazines, not just to look at the pictures. Go to scene events, such as the various Fantasy Nights or NLA meetings. By going to these events you have the opportunity to meet more people in the scene, or to meet someone in your area that you have talked to on-line. People that you meet can provide good referrals and introductions to Dominants.

And remember, the best things are always worth waiting for.

Very truly yours,
Ms. Margo
Copyright©1990

* This file may be re-posted freely, so long as no part of it is changed including this follower.
(please note that this does not mean you can take the HTML used to create this page.)

Written for Fantasy Realization BBS.
* Copyright 1990.
 

 


 

 

Most of the writings here are not my own, I have found them along the way, and have put them here, because these are the words of the Master's, I do not know the authors, they remain a mystery....If these are your words I hope that you do not mind me sharing them with those in our lifestyle who can learn from the Master's Touch....

Welcome to the Dom's Den, sit down by the raging fire and learn from the Master's...

"The Tree and the Gardener"

A confused sub came before a wise Master who adored her.

She felt that to submit to him would mean she would open her

heart to unbearable pain should he ever leave her. She

hungered for him and needed him, but was ready to walk away

in panic.

The gentle Master knelt her before him and started a tale of love

and devotion. As she looked up at him his arms began to widen

and open like a large tree stretches its branches to the sky. At

that moment the Master appeared rooted to the floor and his

impressive size towered above her like a giant tree. Then he

began to speak...

I'm here for you... now and always no matter how far time and

space takes us... Whether you walk away from me today or you

stay and serve me I will not turn from you. I am as patient as

time itself; I will take not from you unless you give freely and

completely of yourself, but I give onto you regardless -- for my

love is unconditional...

Like the olive tree that can both feed you and shade you, I am

there seemingly eternal to your short life on this earth. If you

need my fruit to feed your hunger I will give you all the fruit you

need. If your skin grows dry and loses its luster, the oil from my

fruit will restore it and make it glisten. When you need comfort

my leaves will gently caress your face with the slightest breeze.

When you need discipline my branches will correct you when

the wind blows strong. If you just need my shade to protect you

from the sun, my branches will shade and protect you. If you

need warmth at night my fallen branches will fuel the fire to

keep you warm and safe. If you need a refreshing breeze my

leaves will fan you and cool you. You are my gardener.

When you submit to me, you tend that which keeps me vibrant

and full of life. When you kneel under me and till the soil, you

give breath to my roots. When you water me, my sap flows

strong through me raising my limping Branches. When you soil

yourself collecting fertilizer with your bare hands, you

strengthen and humble me with your devotion.

Although my life will go on, life would not be the same without

you. Your dedication and unconditional care for me keeps me

vibrant and nurtures my very core. The sustenance and

protection I give you seems little reward for your servitude. Still

the gardener serves the tree from her heart and the tree gives to

her heart all that he can!

I am planted firmly on the ground and cannot follow you if you

walk away from me.... But be assured I will survive. One

hundred years later and two of your lifetimes; I will still be there,

waiting for you in the same spot to offer you all that I do now.

Stay with me and be my gardener. You cannot get lost in me for

we are complementary to each other. I am your devotion, and

you give meaning to my existence. Apart we live life and

survive; together we bloom eternally!

... As the Master finished his last words the sub cried herself to

sleep at his feet. That night, he stood planted there like the Olive

tree offering her his unconditional love and protection as she

slept. As she would tend to him with her devotion the next day...

and everyday

The Domiant and Who He is.....

Mastery of One?s Self: A Dominant must always be in control of Him/Her Self. As a Master/Mistress, the Dominant will take charge of a submissive. It is impossible to take on the responsibility of Mastering another, if One can not Master Themselves.

Personal Standards: A Dominant m

ust set and maintain high personal standards for Themselves. They must be an example to O/others, including Their submissive.

Self Respect: If not given to Themselves, it can not be shown to O/others.

Self Control: Many things in life may challenge a Dominant. Control of One?s Self is essential when those challenges present themselves.

Self Secure: A Dominant must know Themselves, and feel comfortable within Their Own skin to project Themselves in a true fashion. They will be challenged, and must be secure enough to tolerate differing opinions and views without considering them as condemnation.

Compassionate & Understanding: A Dominant must be sensitive to the needs of O/others. As Master/Mistress the Dominant will be responsible for the emotional well-being of a submissive that requires an open and accessible Dominant. They must be willing to share, and actively demonstrate that sharing in return is both safe and healthy.

Communicative: A Dominant must be able to communicate effectively in any situation, under any circumstances, in a variety of verbal and non-verbal ways.

Honesty: This is more than a concept, or a feeling. Honesty is expressed through actions. And only in demonstrating honesty, will it be seen by O/others.

Teacher/Guide: Dominants must meet the needs of a submissive for guidance. They are responsible for the personal and lifestyle growth of Their one. Their actions should be an example that teaches and guides E/everyone They come in contact with.

Well Rounded: W/we often forget that D/s is a lifestyle, and a Dominant must be full and complete. A Dominant must be romantic, happy, playful, have a sense of humor, have interests and pleasures, and all the things that make a complete human being.

Devoted: A Dominant must be Someone that can be counted on to be there, and to be available. When there is a problem, or Their submissive needs assistance, the Dominant must make every good faith effort to demonstrate that devotion.

Loving: There is no relationship without love. And although not every D/s relationship is built upon love, it is an essential part of any relationship for Me.

Protective: A submissive must feel safe and secure, both physically and emotionally.

Accepting: No O/one is perfect, W/we are A/all human. A Dominant must accept and demonstrate that to Their submissive; giving permission to be human.

Forgiving: Every human being will make mistakes. Dominants included. They must be able to forgive O/others, as well as Themselves.

Reassuring: A submissive needs to be reassured frequently. To know that they are valued and treasured. To know that their efforts and submission are noticed and appreciated.

Firm and Consistent: A submissive needs that consistency of expectations. Once rules and acceptable behaviors are established and communicated, they must be firmly and consistently applied. Do not, however, confuse firm with ?domineering?.

Patient: All things take time. Knowing and accepting that E/everyone moves at T/their O/own pace, within their individual capabilities, is essential.

Creative: There is always more than one way to skin a cat, and different people respond in unique ways. Being adaptable and creative will yield better results, and make for a more satisfying and less stagnant relationship.

Words of a Master

As it is often important and often even necessary for one human being to have certainty and a clear understanding of the intentions, desires, motivations, and needs of another, I offer this testimony in trust and sincerity.

I am a dominant man. I am just that. I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part. Not because I feel I am more intelligent, or wiser. I am not dominant because of the strength or mass of my body. I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women. Yet to you, I am Master.

I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor.

You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt. Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts.

We are not equal. We are halves of a whole. We compliment each other and make each other complete. My desire to dominate you is instinctive. It is not to degrade you nor is it degrading to you because you are secure in being totally feminine. We each recognize and accept our worth, and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.

You are sure, strong and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your words with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you.

What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural and the rarest gift a woman give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to me. Your submissiveness ia a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift. I recognize it is your body and soul, your heart and mind. I dominate you only because you have allowed it. I dominate only because you have allowed me to and when I see your body kneel before me, in my mind and heart you are raised above all other woman, and all the treasures of the earth. What you give freely can not in reality be bought

The Awakening

Can recall the first time I ever did anything that was

blatantly BDSM in nature in the bedroom. BDSM is an

interest that had arisen through the desires of another

and one that I had not, I must admit, considered with

any degree of seriousness in the past. She had

expressed an interest in being spanked and this to say

the least shook me somewhat. "Spanked!?," I asked

her in disbelief. She began to explain that in all of the

years we had been together she had always had

feelings that leaned towards D/s and that to be

stricken by me would be an interesting experience to

perhaps spice up out "private moments".

I thought long and hard about what she had

suggested and I must admit it made me somewhat

uncomfortable, however I considered myself a fairly

open-minded individual and filed her thoughts away

for the future.

Meanwhile I set out on a quest of education, one to

dispel the myths about the lifestyle I had heard so

many negative things about. A month passed and on

a particularly uneventful afternoon we found we had

some free time alone to ourselves. Adult activities

ensued and the subject that had been burning in my

mind wouldn't go away, I decided to make my move

and see if her desires were indeed genuine.

We were in a particularly enjoyable position that was a

favorite of hers, one that gave me a clear shot at her

pretty ass. After some time to "work up to it" I slapped

her lightly on the tush in the heat of the moment, this

elicited a frenzy that was anything but horrifying. It

was erotic beyond anything I had experienced to

date and convinced me that more was required. I

probably swatted her tush a dozen times that

afternoon, each stroke with my open palm rained

down more forcefully than the last, each met with

more fervor by her in the process.

Something interesting about BDSM, D/s and the

lifestyle in general is that it can be as hard or as light as

you like ? there is no rule that says you must beat

someone to the point of near unconsciousness, a few

well placed palm strikes can change your whole

attitude and perception about relationships and sex in

general, if you are with the right person.

I have seen the tears of joy and the "awakening" and

will never go back to what was "before

Why Am I a Master?

Why am I a master? Why do I want to own someone?

What is it that makes me want to control her entire life,

dictating rules, overseeing and approving her every action?

Well, here's the secret: men want to dominate, to master,

because they are insecure. They want to control their

environment. They want to control anything and everything

that affects their lives. They want to be sure that what they

have today they will also have tomorrow.

Wait a minute you say, isn't it about sex? Don't men want

to have a willing woman available any time, day or night?

Sure, any man who denies it is lying, but there's more to it.

Yes he does want to find you there whenever he rolls over

in bed in the middle of the night, but he also wants to know

you will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

He wants you to be the friend who's always there, the one

he can share his secrets with, the one he can trust. Yes,

trust; surprised? You hear so much about how a good

submissive builds trust in her master, but you don't think

about the rest of it. He has to trust you as well, trust that

you will keep his secrets, trust that you will be there for

him, trust that you won't walk out or turn on him.

It goes back to that basic insecurity. He wants a woman he

can spend a lifetime with, but he has that craving for

control, to make sure everything is done his way. Who can

best answer that need? Someone who loves him, is devoted

to him, wants to serve him, take care of him, but also

someone who will obey him, defer to his judgment, be it

right or wrong, someone who can allow herself to become

dependent on him. What type of woman would best be

suited to a role like that?

The answer is obvious: a deeply submissive woman. You

choose to submit to your master. Why you choose to

submit is another topic, but you submit knowing that it

means you accept his unrestricted authority over your

lives. Is it what he really wants? Yes, and don't ever doubt

it. Your submission is like a powerful narcotic drug to him.

The more he gets from you, the more he wants. It draws

him to you, an attraction more powerful than you can

imagine.

As a submissive it must seem that you take all the risks.

You give him everything, yet he could abandon you on a

whim. Reality is far different. The more you draw him in,

the more power you give to him through your submission,

the more he will desire you. Can you walk away from him

on a whim? No? Well, he can't either. You are fulfilling

dreams he has had since childhood. He would no more

abandon you than he would cut off his arm. Remember

this: just as his dominance holds you to him, so your

submission holds him to you.


To me, domination is not about what I actually do, but the

potentials, what I could do if I wished. If I were so inclined

I could order my submissive to crawl on the floor barking

like a dog. Am I going to do that? No, it would be silly. But

I know I have the ability to make her do that if I wanted it.

See the distinction? That's why your master isn't some

kind of abusive monster. He doesn't need to prove he's in

charge by issuing a constant stream of orders and rules, to

put you through some degrading or humiliating scene.

Rather he sees, from how you obey him, that his power

over you is there anytime he wants it.

Advice for a Novice Dominant



There are as many ways to do D/S as there are people, so you really need to know what your partner wants, doesn't want, is comfortable with, is afraid of, and so forth. A lot of submissives will have great trouble telling you what they want. For some of them, this is because they don't really KNOW what they want. Or, perhaps, they know how they want to feel, but they aren't sure what it is that will make them feel that way. Other submissives do have at least some idea of what they want, but they're too embarrassed to be able to tell you directly. And some submissives know what they want but feel as if it spoils things if they have to ask for it, they want the impetus for the scene to come from you, and if they ask for something, then it's as if they're controlling the scene, when what they want is for you to control it. And of course, more than one of these can occur at once. A person can know only what it is they want to feel AND be too embarassed to talk about it AND feel as if it gives them too much control over things if they tell you.

There are a couple of ways around these problems, but they all take a bit of work on the Dom's part. For the sub who isn't all that sure what they want, you get them to describe how they wish to feel. You ask them what things in their past have gotten them to feel this way, even if it's only a small and mild version of what they really want. And of course you also use your knowledge of your partner to guess at what you suspect would make them feel what they want. You get them to tell you what they fantasize about (bearing in mind that fantasies are often more intense than anything a person would like to do in real life).

And you experiment. A scene doesn't have to last for hours. In the early stages, when you're just figuring out what works for both of you, you can try something for five minutes. (But just because the scene is short doesn't mean that you take it less seriously. You have to make these mini-scenes as real as your usual ones, or they won't work as a testing ground. Put your all into them, just keep 'em short. Say you suspect that your submissive would enjoy wearing a collar, then put one on her/him, do a few things with it, then take it off and ask them how they felt about it. If you both liked it, you can always do it again for longer. But these mini-scenes let you try out things in the knowledge for BOTH of you that if you hate it, it only lasts for a short time, this takes some of the pressure off. (When an ex-lover and I seemed to be moving in the direction of no-safeword scenes, I bought an egg timer. The idea was that she would have no safeword for the length of time it tooks the sands to run down. Three minutes is not very long, objectively speaking. But it can be a very long time to someone who's never played without a safeword before and who realizes that this time there's no way out. I wasn't going to do a full-length no-safeword scene until after I'd seen how she handled the egg-timer version.)

For the sub who has at least some knowledge of what they want but who is too embarassed to tell you what it is, there are a couple of routes to go. You can ask them to write it down and give it to you, since a lot of people can write things that they cannot say. You can also try dominating it out of them, try winding your hand in her hair, pulling her head into a position that lets you stare into her eyes, and demanding that she tell you what you want to know right now. Or you can threaten some sort of physical punishment unless they divulge the information (only with their permission, of course). The punishment isn't really intended to be a motivator, it's intended to be a way for the sub to save face with her/himself. They can tell themselves that it's not greedy or forward or too bold or whatever to tell you what you want to know because you're making them tell you. Sometimes just letting them tell you in the dark, when you're snuggled up with your arms around them will be enough.

The sub who doesn't want to tell you anything because they think that means that they are controlling the scene or that they are forcing you into something you don't really want tends to be a somewhat harder case, but there are a few things you can try. You can tell them that you aren't promising to do any of the things that they ask for, you're just asking because as the Dom, you have the right to ask any damn thing you please and to get an answer. "Since you are my property, the contents of your mind are also my property, and you will give them to me when I ask" is something I tell my submissive. You can tell them that you want the information for your own selfish pleasure, "Making you be submissive in a way that's good for you is likely to be more fun for me than making you be submissive in a way that's bad for you, because the second way makes me work harder for less return. So give me what I need to know to get what I want."

Oh, yes, and a type I forgot to mention. Some submissives think that no one really wants to dominate them, that you're just humoring them, and leaving you to your own devices is sort of a test. It's as if they're saying, "If you really want this, you'll figure it out on your own." My own submissive had a touch of this, so I just jumped in and started ordering her around, and once she was assured that I wanted it, too, her fantasies started pouring out.

Once you start getting information out of the person, there are a bunch of things you need to know.

1. You know they are interested in D/S, but what kind?

Do they want to do D/S for a short time in bed and be equal out of scene, or are they looking for a full-time D/S relationship?

Do they want this to be you and him/her, or do they want the two of you to assume some sort of fantasy roles, like teacher/student or parent/child or jailer/prisoner?



Do they want to be treated as a valuable submissive, or do they crave humiliation?

Do they go for lots of symbols, like kneeling at your feet, wearing a collar, and so forth?

Are there things that they like to be made to say? Some subs like being made to say things like "I am yours, Master/Mistress" or "Please use me for your pleasure, Sir/Mame," whereas others find this sort of thing too flowery and prefer sharper exchanges and still others get nonverbal when in scene and find speech annoying. (I'm reminded of a woman who told me that she could never bring herself to call a man "Master," because the word always made her think of Igor saying "Yesss, Massster," and she would start laughing. It wasn't that she was disrespectful, she had no trouble with "Sir" or "My Lord," but "Master" made her crack up.)

What sorts of things would they like you to say? Some submissives like being called names by their dominants, some like hearing that they are your sub/slave or that they are owned, others like being told about the various unspeakable things that are about to happen to them, others like hearing an explicit list of rules and expectations, others like hearing that their dominant enjoys what she/he is doing. There's a really long list of different things that turn different people on, and I can't cover it all. (For example, my submissive loves hearing the words "You're my slave." Very simple sentence, but it does something to her. She also loves hearing, when I hurt her, "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." To show you how different even very similar people can be, I would hate being told "You're my slave" but I would love being told "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." (To make it even more complicated, I have no trouble with "You're mine;" it's the word "slave" that I can't stomach.) Getting a feel for what sort of thing underlies your submissive's submissive desires will help you get a feel for what sorts of things they like to hear.)

The above point leads in to what is the subtlest sort of distinction to make but the one that will be the most useful. Once you've gotten the answers to the above sorts of questions, you might be able to abstract some sort of general theme that guides your submissive's desires and fantasy life. Some submissives have the "I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished" mindset, some have a "I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything" mindset, some have a "I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me" mindset or the "I want us to blend into one person" mindset or the "I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things" mindset or any number of others. Once you've talked and played for a while, you might get an intuitive feel for this. It may be something that your submissive can tell you, but it may not be, they may not have thought about it or analyzed it to this extent. But if you can figure out what sort of mindset underlies your partner's submission, it makes doing new things and guiding your future play a lot easier. You'll know what new things are likely to work and what won't because you'll understand the underlying motivations.

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